Watsky Gummy Bear Hundrednaire cover in NZSL

The creepiest Saturday ever.

I was working on a show at the Skycity theatre in Auckland so I was spending the weekend with my aunt and uncle on the North Shore. I had my phone with me but unfortunately my phone died around 7pm and I had left my charger in Wellington.

I thought "oh well, I know where I'm going, I have a ride home, it's fine"

So I headed home after post-show drinks at aroud 2am.

I was very thankful to the girl giving me a ride, until I realised she couldn't read maps and kept turning left where she should turn right and had gotten us terribly lost despite having dated a guy who lives near my aunt and uncle.

What should've been a 10 minute ride became 35 minutes but eventually I arrived to find the house completely dark.

I remember my aunt being a fairly light sleeper so thought if she's just goe to bed she should hear me knocking. No one answered and after a few minutes I started looking around for an unlocked window, open door, etc.

I went down the drive to the bottom floor of the house to try the door of the room I was staying in.

I saw the door and windows wide open "Oh awesome! They must've left it open for me!"

Walked in the door and suddenly I was in somebody's living room. This was not the door to my room. 

I walked back out, saw MY door and tried it. Locked. All the windows bolted shut. Absolutely no entry point.

I stood contemplating for awhile as to what my next move should be.

It was a warm night, maybe I could just sleep on the door step for a couple hours until someone wakes up.

Or maybe...

There didn't seem to be anyone in the house I had stumbled into... maybe I could just sleep on their couch for a few hours? No one would know...

I used their phone to call my aunt's cell as a last resort but both times she didn't answer.

Stranger's couch it is!

So I pulled a bar napkin and pen out of my bag and wrote the following note:

"I'm staying with my aunty upstairs but I'm locked out. 

I walked in your door by mistake thinking it was mine,

I used your phone to call her but there was no answer.

So I'm just going to sleep on your couch for a few hours.

Sorry for the intrusion."

I put my bags beside me and curled up in the fetal position on their couch.

10 minutes later I suddenly heard light snoring... then deep breathing... then someone talking in their sleep.

At one point I swear I heard someone come into the kitchen, but no, I looked up and it was empty.

This continued for the next 3 hours. I got comfortable, started to doze off, heard a noise from the bedroom, shat myself a little bit, the noise would stop, I'd get comfortable....

At one point I maaged to drift off because I had dreams. The first was of an old man finding me on his couch and me having to explain. The second was of a young couple finding me and having to explain again.

I suddenly woke up and noticed it was becoming lighter outside. I checked the clock on the phone which told me it was just after 630 am so I thought I should leave before anyone in the house woke up.

I walked back up the drive and around to my aunt and uncle's front door, knocked, my uncle opened the door and said 

"Didn't you get my txt? There's a key under the mat!"

o_o

ULTIMATUM!

So I asked my Dad what he was planning on getting me for Christmas.
I proposed that instead of getting me a present, he should let me buy his Wii of him or give me the Sega Master System which no one uses anymore.
Seriously, it just sits there at the family beach house gathering dust, it's got some awesome games too!

Dad decided no, that wouldn't work. But he offered me another idea.

Now, anyone who knows me will know I swing radically between sloth like untidy-ness to OCD-esque categorising and organising of my things.

Dad offered me this ultimatum: If I can keep my floor clear and my turtle tank water crystal clear for the next few times he visits my flat, he will buy me a brand new Wii bundle in my choice of colour.
AAAAAH! Sweet merciful nerdfighter!
That's a pretty good deal.

Last time Dad made an ultimatum it cost him $3000. He said if I didn't smoke before my 21st he would pay me $3000. I'm now 22 and have never touched a cigarette. Great Success.

So I am currently in the middle of tidying my bedroom.
I can barely see the floor.
But this means progress!

My wardrobe is now organised! dresses-skirts-shirts-random-jackets-uniform-costumes.
My books are finding their way onto the bookshelf in my wardrobe. I threw a bunch of old paper into the recycling and put a few items up on freecycle.org in the hopes they will find new homes.
Some of my nicer ornaments will be going on Trademe so I can pay my electric bill this month.

Oooh! While I was cleaning my Doctor Who vhs bundle arrived, yay!

Right, back to it then. Hopefully by my next blogpost I'll have kept to it.

Theatre Review | Silent Night

Holy crap guys I'm a theatre reviewer! I feel so cultured o.0

Through a lucky hook up I get to attend every opening night at a local theatre which means I'll be seeing approx. one metric butt load of plays. So I emailed a local review site saying hey, you should bring me on as a reviewer.

Well holy sex-scene Batman, they did it!

UPDATE: "Lucky hook up" is now boyfriend ^_^

So here is my first ever official theatre review, look forward for more to come!

I wasn’t sure what I was in for from this one woman show. All I knew was that it was about a pensioner on Christmas. I certainly didn't expect a rollercoaster that tears down the fourth wall and would bring tears to my eyes, both of laughter and sadness.

Yvette Parsons (Dan is Dead / I am a Yeti) takes the stage as Irene McMunn, an elderly widow spending her first Christmas alone in her retirement unit. It deals with all the ups and downs that come with age; friends passed on, family who aren’t as close as one would like, Christmas day spent with the cat. The set is simple and effective, a small lounge, ready for Christmas day lunch. This is a story told with words not fancy lighting effects or expensive props.

Over the hour, Irene directly addresses the audience to share with us memories from her life. The actress retells these tales with such believable emotion that I was unsure whether the character was simply retelling or actually believed herself to be reliving them. Some stories had the audience doubled over with laughter, while others had some people in need of a hanky. I found myself slightly unnerved by just how similar this character is to my grandmother.

The word rollercoaster really is fitting, the high points were hilariously high and the down points were truly saddening. As time went on I found myself wondering how on earth this story could end. One brief moment of terror as Irene clutches her chest, short of breath… but no, this story doesn’t end there. If I had anything negative to say it would be perhaps the emotions occasionally swing too rapidly between happy and sad.

The acting is brilliant. The story is touching and relatable. Though I originally thought the hour run time would leave me dissatisfied, my attention was held in such a way I felt I had been watching much longer.

I definitely recommend this show to all (though if you’re the sensitive type, take some tissues) and be prepared for the urge to reconnect with your grandparents afterward!

Directed by Stephen Papps. Produced by and starring Yvette Parsons.

Venue: Bats Theatre Wellington http://www.bats.co.nz/content/silent-night

Showing: December 6-10 at 7pm
Price: $18 Full / $13 Concession / $14 Groups 6+

Crap my family says

Poppa on my great aunt's shaved chihuahua "It looks like... what's that animation?"
Dad "Ren and stimpy?"
Poppa "The old one... With the head coming out?"
Dad and I clueless
Poppa "E.T!"


Dad on the drive out to my place:
"Hang your fur coat up or the cat will try to have sex with it."
Me-"aww, he a tiny white rapist"
Dad- "Like that guy KJ52,he says something like that..."
Me- "Uh...it's white rapper Dad. He's a rapper not a rapist"
Dad- "Well I was almost right."


On a family road trip my cousin and I were singing along to "Big Spender"
The minute you walked iiiin the joint *bumbum* I could tell you were a man of distinction"
Cousin "A real good hooker! wait... hooker? is it hooker?"


Me "Careful with that cup,you're about to spill ice on my head!"
My brother "Well, in physics I learned that heat rises so if I turn this cup upside down, the ice wont fall out!"

Letters to things

Dear Hairbrush,
Where the hell are you? I've gone through 4 of your kin this year because you keep disappearing. Have you been stolen by my flatmate? Did you elope with my usb?
Please come home. My hair is messy.

Dear Doorframes,
why the hell do you jump out and attack me when I'm just trying to walk past?
I didn't do anything to provoke this. I think you must be in cahoots with the doorknob, judging by how often it smacks me in the shoulder.
Please stop, you're only hurting yourself.

Dear Headphones. (cc: laptop charger)
What the hell guys? I place you on the floor beside my bed each night and awake in the morning to find you in the middle of what must, for you, be an intimate amorous embrace. Cut that out.
It's just not right. Also it's really inconvenient and confusing for me.
If you don't change your ways I will separate you.


Dear Bed,
You're awesome. Don't change a thing.

To all,

From Jepha.

Hello, I'm a post.

So this blog is the culmination of many things.
Me wanting a place to ramble
Me planning an awesome post to go on my old blog: theslowpath89.blogspot.com
Me forgetting the password & email address for said blog
Me then having nowhere to put that post

So by the time it took me to accept I had lost my old blog and set up this new one, it became a time of night I like to refer to as "sweet mercy it's late I have work tomorrow what am I doing" o'clock. Also my N key doesn't work so great, so I can't be arsed writing the post I had planned tonight.

Maybe tomorrow.

Welcome to my blog.